Why Christian Cliches Are Harmful

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We have heard them all. Friends, pastors, even writers are notorious for quoting pithy and overused sentiments when we are struggling in our lives. A crisis erupts, we share our pain, and then we endure a barrage of sayings that come across as sanctimonious, judgmental, and can cause additional pain rather than empathy or understanding.

Some of my least favorites include being told God allowed something to happen for a reason that I or others will never understand. For me, this reduces God to an out-of-control force who haphazardly orchestrates our lives. I do not believe this. Another common saying is that God is refining me so that I will be stronger, persevere more, and have more faith. That too, is full of error regarding faith. Who when diagnosed with cancer appreciates being told God has "given them" cancer because basically that person lacked strength or faith?

Have you shared with a Christian friend that you are enduring pain in some area to be told "All things work together for your good?" Well, that is not for our finite minds to say as we are not God. There are plenty of bad things in our lives that serve very little good. I believe God recognizes this. He is, after all, holy and without blemish. God sees everything. He recognizes bad but God is not nor ever has been "the creator or bad."

When we state overused and often out of context clichés to others, we reduce their suffering to criticism and judge their faith, which is not our right to do. Only God knows the human heart of a person completely. Sayings such as "Just have more faith or keep your focus on God" are direct criticisms that communicate because you are in the middle of a trial that your faith caused this trial.

I once had someone tell me, "I am praying you will receive this blessing." I quickly unraveled that this person was sharing they already had this particular blessing, and I did not. Further comments indicated that they had this blessing because of their standing with God. I, on the other hand, had not received such a blessing, and only through this person's prayers might I be "lucky to be blessed like them."

How shallow, pious, selfish and remarkably hurtful are these trite and false statements. Someone you love dearly has died. You long for comfort and understanding for a hole is now in your heart. Instead, you hear, "Well, they are now with God. That is better than being here." You lose your job, your teen rebels, your health fails. You hear, "There is a reason for all this."

I lean toward removal of vacuous statements that cause more harm to an already suffering person. How about practicing compassion, understanding, and love rather than pulling out a memorized platitude that serves only to alienate and judge that person's current journey. Even the simple act of being with a person and remaining silent communicates an awareness that there are simply no words that can "fix" this difficult struggle.

Four simple words, "How can I help" often bear more power than, "God has this under control." When we are hurting, we need to know our friends, family, and loved ones understand and are willing to sit with us and perhaps become active by preparing a meal for us, driving us somewhere, cleaning our house, or doing a load of laundry. This is power. Power is when we do something about what we can control. A statement to just trust in God or give the struggle to God becomes an analysis that something is wrong with us because of this path we are on.

When we throw quotes at people, we dismiss their pain, judge them, reduce them to less than ourselves, and forget rather quickly the times we ourselves have endured a fierce problem. This is similar to being on the ground injured and having a passerby walk by and kick us. We become more injured wondering what is wrong with us, why we are being punished, what we have done wrong, and very likely these cliches can cause our personal faith to come into question in our own minds.

I felt empowered recently to retort to someone that huge word NO. No, this is not something God is doing to me. I refuse to believe God inflicts my life with periodic doses of pain, so I will draw closer to him. This is not who God is. God is loving. The world, on the other hand, is often not loving, easy, or just. I would argue that most suffering occurs due to the state of a fallen and sinful world, rather than God sitting on his throne in heaven with a wand determining who needs another reminder to pray or read scripture.

When we reach out to others we must do so with humility. Humility is a character trait some people have little practice in applying to situations. Humility means you can't answer the question of pain, trials, or suffering. It means you do not feel justified or qualified to "tell" another person why they are suffering. Humility is the ultimate recognition that it is okay to share in someone's pain rather than analyze that person's faith.

I think back to the birth of my first child. Four days after his birth he was readmitted to the hospital due to Jaundice. As a new mother, I was deeply concerned and desperately wanted my baby to be home with me and 100% healthy. During those four days I endured both friends and family members making statements such as, "This is no big deal. It's just jaundice. God and the doctors can fix this." This statement gave me no comfort in the moment. Instead, I needed a reassuring hug, an offer of food from the hospital cafeteria, or another box of tissues. Trivializing a hurting person's situation is highly insensitive and counterproductive. I do recall someone during that time who simply asked, "How can I help?" I mentioned I had not done laundry since before our son was born. That person went to our home and did two loads of laundry. No judgment. No faith criticism. No scripture taken out of context. 

So, the next time someone you know is struggling with loss, waiting, finances, health, or a broken heart stop before you toss out a religiously laced antidote. Use your brain first. Filter out those empty and meaningless quotes and replace them with, "How can I help you? I am here for you. I understand this must be very difficult. I am sorry you are going through this right now."

Speak to the moment. Let God do what God does best which is to love us. Stop trying to be God's messenger without his permission. Stop communicating to another person they are less because life has dealt them a hard blow. We are helped by love not quotes randomly pulled from the dusty file of Christian jargon in order to have a ready response. The better response to a hurting person may just be silence, a home-cooked meal, doing their laundry, holding their hand, and practicing love not judgment.